The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
