I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
