im having a threesome with these popsicles
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
