Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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