I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
