he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
