plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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