I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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