From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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