You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
