Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
