Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
