You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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