i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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