My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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