All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She bit a glass in half.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
