Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
