A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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