please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
