I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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