My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
