Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
