My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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