I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
