Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Randomize
