I'm going to jail i love you
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
