I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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