She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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