i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
