I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
