My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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