I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
