I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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