its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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