That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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