Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
