The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
