youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
