cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
