If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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