I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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