so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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