Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
