Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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