still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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