I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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