She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
