just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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