i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
