I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
