i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How's work?
Spinning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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