I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
