ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
