I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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